The Safe Space

The facility will be known as “The Safe Space,” or “the SS” for short, is the first in the world and will serve as a sanctuary for people’s feelings. DUMB promises inhabitants will be free to exist without fear of any disturbances that will upset the safety of anything whatsoever. Staffers, known as SS Officers, stress the distinction of residents “existing” in the SS over “living.”

“We say the inhabitants here ‘exist’ instead of ‘live’ because the SS officers have determined that ‘live’ could trigger negative feelings for anyone who has ever experienced the death of a loved one, or feels like they haven’t had enough experiences to feel like they truly are living. So we go with ‘existing’ because it is a term that spiritually, medically, and gender neutral,” said a spokesperson for The SS who is identified by making a humming sound because names are forbidden.

Existence quarters consist of an 8 x 10 room with the only furnishing provided being a hole in the corner where residents can relieve themselves. Lights are always turned low to show solidarity with the visually impaired. No decorations are allowed on the walls, it would be difficult to see them anyway. Residents are strictly forbidden from interacting with others without their Safe Space issued headphones that cancel out microaggressions and trigger words.

– See more at: https://web.archive.org/web/20160416035855/http://americanirony.us/government-builds-first-ever-safe-space/#sthash.qzzD7qZI.dpuf

Another happy patron of The Safe Space

Meals consist of only one item, which is a mush made up of ingredients from all of the worlds cultures (including cannibalism) so that residents will feel like everyone has been included.

“It’s not the most appetizing food ever,” said humming sound “but residents actually prefer it that way because they know that everyone is receiving just enough to get by without wanting more for themselves at the expense of others.”

Residents are locked in and are not allowed to leave due to the risks of having their safety violated. As such there is no way they will be able to pay for their room and board, so funding for the facility will be provided by a tax on white privilege.

We’re proud of what we have started here at The Safe Space, said humming sound, “even prisons are nowhere near this secure.”

– See more at: https://web.archive.org/web/20160416035855/http://americanirony.us/government-builds-first-ever-safe-space/#sthash.qzzD7qZI.dpuf